Why Do People Get Married?

I've been thinking about that a lot lately. Why do people get married? Tax breaks? True love? Religious choice? Religious guilt? Or just an excuse to throw a big party? Personally, the only appealing thing about getting married, for me, is having a reason to own a diamond that I don't really need. I will admit, a wedding does mean I can have lots of pampering...hair, nails, make-up, spray tan, dress, and SHOES. (Definitely Louboutin...another excuse to own something extravagant.)

However, getting married just seems to set us up for disappointment later on. I keep hearing this crazy statistic that more than 50% of marriages end in divorce. Now, I am not against divorce. If its broken, try and fix it. If its not fixable, get rid of it. However, divorce is an emotionally draining process that (I've heard) can be quite pricey and messy. A ring doesn't guarantee commitment. People will cheat regardless. If someone's got the nerve to cheat, they will cheat no matter what. If two people decide to commit to one another, they will. They can even wear rings as a sign of commitment without being married.

So, I'm thinking, why bother? For the kids? Hmm. What is the difference if two people have a child and are committed to one another and the child? A lot of people get married because its what we're supposed to do. Get married, have a child...monotony. But what if you don't get married? Its okay for people to decide not to have children. When someone decides not to have a child because they are too selfish to take on the responsibility, I commend them. We should only take on what we can handle. So then, marriage should be the same way. Don't do it if you can't hack it. Lots of times, it just makes life harder and scarier if it doesn't work out. Its easier to end a relationship when all you have to do is say goodbye and possibly move out. No lawyers...less mess.

Those who do get married, I admire you. I don't know if I will. Commitment can exist without marriage but it doesn't work the other way around and I don't think I want to take my chances. I will just do everyone the favor of splurging on myself anyway. Louboutins...make up...hair...nails...tan...diamond...more Louboutins.

Criteria for Dating...

A very good friend of mine has two criteria for dating:

1. The same cell phone plan
2. An unlimited Metrocard

I agree with her criteria. Who wants to worry about over-texting or going over your minutes? The nice thing about dating someone new is all of the phone and text time. And, with Verizon In Calling, you get unlimited minutes with anyone else who has Verizon. And, when it comes to the Metrocard, who wants to deal with refilling it every few days? Splurge for the unlimited Metrocard-you only have to worry about refilling it once per month. AND, if you are lucky enough to receive Transitcheks, you never have to refill it. It is automatic!

However, I got to thinking about my criteria. Clearly, everyone has a set of qualities they are looking for in a mate. Instead of criteria though, I'd like to think I have deal-breakers. I can't imagine there are things I require in order to date someone. That makes it even more difficult. However, there are a few qualities, that, if in existence, will cause me to run in the other direction. First, I may kick the man in the shin though.

I will not tolerate:
1. Intolerance of other people (racial, religious, gender, sexual orientation, political, social etc.)
2. People who "don't read." (As in those people, we all know them, who say "I don't read" when the conversation turns to books. And The DaVinci Code doesn't count as reading)
3. Men shorter than me (In flats OR heels)
4. Eyebrows that are too thin
5. A Beer Belly
6. Highlights
7. Cheap Shoes
8. Stupidity
9. Ultra-Conservative Republicans
10. Men with a mid-western accent
11. Uncut

I don't think I am out of line in my deal-breakers. They are completely legitimate. I am sure there are more. I will add as I think of them. What are your deal-breakers?

A final note: I understand that my first deal breaker is intolerance and I follow it with a list of qualities I won't tolerate. Please overlook that. Because anyone who knows me knows that I always win.

Why Guys are Idiots.

Yes, in case you didn't know this, most guys are idiots. Drink-too-much, self-absorbed, spend-their-money-on-garbage idiots. I know, you are probably thinking that I am a lonely, bitter, recently dumped chick who needs to vent. That is not really the case. Recently dumped implies a date, which I haven't had in a while. Guys don't seem to think I like to go on dates. Or, they just don't respect me enough to take the time. I am usually the girl who gets invited over to watch movies. And we all know what that means. Another blog, another day.

Anyway, what I am speaking of right now is the guy who goes up to you in a bar and says something along the lines of "Smile," "Have some fun. You're in a bar," or "Why are you yawning. Its not even that late yet!" Yes. These losers, usually a stranger, but can also be an acquaintance always say this stuff. I mean, where do I start?

I am yawning because I wake up at the crack of dawn (literally) and it is now 1:30. In a little more than three hours, I will have been up for 24 hours. I could be talking to Orlando Bloom and that yawn might still creep its way into the public eye. And I'm not smiling because I'm bored with your company. Furthermore, when a person isn't smiling, it doesn't mean they are mad/bored. It may mean they are content. Its like, mind your god damn business dude. Why does it even matter to guys? You want something pretty to look at? Then go to a museum. I am not there to entertain you or anyone else.

This blog is really quite rant-like but I just can't take this much longer. If a girl isn't smiling and that's the way you like em, then she isn't for you. Don't try to change her world by pointing out the obvious, which will most likely piss her off more than she already is because she is somewhere she doesn't necessarily want to be amidst people she doesn't necessarily care for. Get a clue, my friend. Try and be charming and polite and make her smile. Don't ask a question that doesn't deserve an answer but rather a swift kick in the nuts.

That's all! Toodles Darlings.

The New Phenomenon That Drives me Crazy

Lately, I have been encountering pretty girl after pretty girl complaining about being single. They go so far as to complain about their future which they see void of marriage, children, a two-car-garage and whatever else domesticity promises. I can't even begin to explain how crazy this drives me.

These girls are in their EARLY 20s. They are just starting new jobs out of college and graduate school. They are cute, smart and most guys drool over them. For whatever reason, they are currently boyfriendless. Its hard to meet guys who don't make us sick. Ladies, I know you agree. The decent ones are few and far between. They usually don't end up being single or decent either.

Now, I understand the desire to be in a relationship or to be dating. But to go as far as to say that we need a man now so we are on the right time track to be married with kids by whatever age is just silly. First, of all, who wants kids? Ok, I know some people do and that's fine. I'd make a lovely babysitter. However, I am entirely too selfish to even consider kids now (if at all). I want to live in Europe, I want to do fabulous things and take crazy vacations. All of which is way more fun without kids around.

Furthermore, what if you meet a guy now, date for two years and it turns out he is a kleptomaniac who is into wearing your thong and shaves his chest. Then what? You're either stuck with him because you invested too much time that you think you can't get back or you break it off and are back to your self-pitying existence as a single girl with "no prospects."

Where am I going? GET OVER IT. Its sad when we feel lonely. I get it. However, stop having a pity party and go to happy hour every night. Or give guys a chance who you normally give a fake phone number too (guilty). Stop complaining and do something. And even then, you may not meet a guy right away. So, enjoy being single. Enjoy not having to answer to anyone, or go to random Aunts' 60th birthday parties. Flirt. Make out. Wear slutty clothes and super high heels. Date three guys at once. Four even. Date the older guy. Flirt with the married guy. Kiss the 18 year-old. Take a great class. Make your boss love you with all of the time you have to put into your work.

Just stop feeling bad for yourself. You're pretty and thin with great jobs and tons going for you. There are many other people who deserve the pity more. Plus, its unbecoming on you.

Why I Believe "The Bachelor: Officer and a Gentleman" SUCKS

So, I have never been an avid "The Bachelor/Bachelorette" (which I don't think is on anymore) watcher. I always caught the final episode where I picked the girl I liked better(I always liked the girl who wasn't quite as cute. I think it was just be rooting for the under dog. In reality, of course I'd pick the better looking person) by seeing her on one episode and then I wouldn't watch the new season. Probably because there were better shows on. The last episode was always on when my favorite shows were over. That's why I watched it. Boredom. Anyway, I have been watching this season's "An Officer and a Gentleman." It sucks. Allow me to deconstruct.

The bachelor, Dr. Andy is adorable. And he has the body of a Greek God. So, why he is single is beyond me. I am sure he is too busy saving lives to date (bullshit). Then, there are like 16 pretty, hopeful and desperate girls. Most of them are pretty, some are beautiful, others are kind of gross. OK, maybe they just aren't my type. They all compete for this Dr. Andy's attention. They get like, five minutes to speak with him. Oow, five whole minutes to make Dr. Andy love you. It takes me five minutes to introduce myself, let alone get anyone to love me. Then, he is on to the next lovely, desperate gal.

Then, they go on "group dates." AKA-he goes out with a harem who does whatever he wants. Sounds like fun...for him. Sounds like hell for everyone else...viewers included. Its just so uncomfortable. And the dates? Race car driving? Talk about a male-centered date. Next time, they should just drink beer and watch "The Simpsons." (Two things, when put together, are not at all feminine, sexy or fun. Well, never "The Simpsons." What is the obsession? Beer is fun.)

Then the girls start getting jealous. They want Dr. Andy's time. By the way. Dr. Andy is looking for a wife. I just don't get it. Don't get me wrong. Sometimes, one date is all you need to know that a person is just not for you. However, 5 minutes? And, there is always the possibility that after thinking about it for a few days, you may give the person a second date. With "The Bachelor," once you don't give that girl a rose (corny), she is OUT. Never see her again. What is that? What is natural about that?

Ugh. I don't even have any sort of suggestion. I just need to complain. And I hate to admit that I will be watching "The Bachelor: Officer and a Gentleman" regularly. In my defense, NOTHING else is on on Monday nights. "Dancing With the Stars" is SO CORNY. (I watch it while doing homework therefore it doesn't get my full attention. Again, NOTHING else on.)

What do you think about "The Bachelor?" In general or specifically OAAG?

He's Just Not That Into Me! I Know...

So, one of my friends tells me she wants to set me up with this guy she dated once upon a time. I know, but she is good with that kind of stuff. Well, what really happened (so I was told) is that the guy was asking about me after meeting me at a party. My girlfriend made plans for us all to hang out. He was very sweet and quite adorable might I add. McDreamy hair. Enough Said.

When we hung out, he was not at all flirty. Had I not known he was "interested" ahead of time, I would never have known. He needs a name. McShady...perfect. So, McShady is charming and well-dressed with a good job. He is asking what I am doing for New Years and Christmas. That night, he even says he is going to come back the next day to visit (He lives in a very near-by state). Now, he doesn't have a cell phone. Well, he does, but it is broken so he can't put my number in his phone. So, his friend does. Well, no call. Nothing.

A few weeks later, I get an email from McShady who got my email from the friend who set it up. It says all kinds of promising things like "we need to get together again." However, the emails say nothing flirty or even very complimentary. The emails continue for weeks. We even get close to getting together one time when he calls, however, he decided we should reschedule cuz the plans are becoming too confusing. After that, I had pretty much given up. A few more sets of emails follow. They say nothing except "I was in your city this weekend for a basketball game." Thanks for letting me know.

Well, up until 2 weeks ago, the emails were still sporadically coming, saying things like "how are things?" WHAT IS THAT? Now, after reading He's Just Not That Into You, by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo, it all makes sense, kind-of. I mean, McShady isn't feeling me. Fine. Greg makes some good points. For example, he says, "men are never too busy to get what they want." I agree. If a guy is into you, he will make time and follow up on emails. However, I still wonder why he keeps emailing? My responses have gotten shorter and shorter. Yet, every few weeks, there is another email saying "how are things?" Lame. Also, if McShady did in fact want to hang out with yours truly, then why the shady, half-assed attempts to follow up. He's not feeling me fine. But, stop with random pity emails. I don't need it!

Does anyone have any advice as to how I should handle McShady? Do share...

I have one more thing to complain about. One of my very best friends, Allegria (italian for "happy," perfect for her!) always tells me about much she hates digital communication. Now, I like it. I love the email, IMing, texting (to a degree. I don't enjoy "text-sex." Future blog...another time) however, when boys use it as a disguise, I start to get real mad. Own up. Pick up the phone. Be a gentlemen. Allegria is very smart. Plus, she hates people who don't have Verizion. I agree. Its like, get Verizon.

Two-Timing Boys and the Things They Deliver

So, I was having dinner with my girlfriend, Homecoming Queen (HQ), last night. We don't get to talk much during the week because we both have hectic schedules so when the weekend comes around, we always have tons of catching up to do. We were sitting at the bar, enjoying our pomegranate martinis (extremely good pomegranate martinis might I add-and I don't really like pomegranate juice) when we began talking about the events that occurred the weekend before. While out celebrating a holiday a little bit early, we ran into a bunch of kind of cute boys, two of which my girlfriends knew in some way or another. (I have this theory that my one friend, Blue, has once worked with everyone who lives in the general vicinity of where we went to high school. She runs into old co-workers ALL OF THE TIME).

The boys were fun, even though they were extremely drunk, and we chatted with them for a bit. We had no idea if they even remembered. Later on, we ran into them again at another bar and hung out for a while. The boy that pissed me off most, for the sake of anonymity, will be called World Wide Express (WWE-Both an allusion to a very lovely "Sex and the City" Episode, "Cover Girl," and his profession). Now, one thing I hate about boys is how you can never really tell how drunk they really are unless they pass out. When I am drunk and have no idea whats going on, you know it. I can't form sentences, I look like a sloppy mess, I say inappropriate things and pretty much, embarrass myself in one way or another. WWE was fairly kept together. He was also fairly flirty. I didn't really think I was that interested, but I'd been bored and he had nice eyes. Nothing really happened but he made it clear that I didn't completely repulse him, and I, for once, wasn't giving any signs or hints.

WELL, when I was in the back of the bar meeting someone, WWE asked the very beautiful HQ for her phone number, and get this, asked her if I'd be mad about it. Well, he didn't even use my name. He said, "your friend." Classy. She had no idea what he was talking about and was also fairly drunk, so she gave it to him. They met for a beer the next day (quick call, no?) and the first thing out of her mouth was "what's your deal?" referring to his childish behavior with the two of us. When she revisited the dialogue with me, this is how I picture him sounding...

"What do you mean? Uhh...I was so drunk. I didn't know I did any of that. Uhh...what are you talking about?" Fool.

This boy was closer to 30 than 20 and let's be honest, that kind of drunk behavior is completely inappropriate. Then pretending you have no idea what happened? Even more lame.

Needless to say, HQ did all of us a favor hanging out with him that day for two beers because he began talking about how the army should be mandatory for all men, which most girls agree would make any hard-on go soft. HQ made that her last beer and has yet to hear back from WWE.

Just another weekend escapade to confirm our beliefs that dating can really, really, suck.

"We all judge. That's our hobby. Some people do arts and crafts. We judge." -Stanny, "Cover Girl"